responding to surprising times part 3 (ideas for responding to the election)

This is part 3 of a 3 part series. For parts 1 and 2 see the previous two blog posts. If you'd like a copy of the bog in its entirety, email me at doreen@doreendm.com.

Answer children’s (and other vulnerable populations) questions & honor their experience and needs.

Children and vulnerable people groups are particularly acquainted with the dynamics of power differentials and bullying. They have well developed truth and sincerity meters and, on certain points of the developmental continuum, are literal in their thinking. Whether you acknowledge it or not, children are watching, listening, learning, and internalizing the behaviors they see enacted by the grown people in their lives. They overhear our conversations and our off handed comments. They are privy to our most candid and unfiltered selves. They grow within the greenhouse of our bias and beliefs and encounter those of their peers’ parents on the playground, at rehearsal, church, and class.

When a person in a position of authority is repeatedly given free passes by other grown people to bully, ridicule, and treat others in inhumane ways, children notice. Some children will be empowered to act in similarly empowered hurtful manners, feeling certain that this previously disallowed behavior is now approved. Others will be confused and still others will be frightened. They take what they see literally and fear that the vitriol they see enacted in the media might, at any point, turn toward them. They have reason to fear this. 

What we grown people DO speaks much louder than what we SAY. This means that we need to live with thorough intentionality and care. If we say that a person’s behavior is inappropriate but act in ways that support that person with no requirement of accountability, a child is learning from our unconscious modeling. For this reason and many more, those of us who interact with children need to tend to the first three points in this essay heartily. Children need us to be clear about our blind spots, honest about our bias’, and active about trying to do good in the world. They need us to be truth tellers with our words AND our actions and when we simply cannot be, they need us to be honest that our inconsistencies don’t make any sense. To be told one thing, and shown another is crazy making. Children need to see us cry AND laugh. They need to know that strong feelings are manageable and that they are safe when they come up against their own or ours.

Children need a range of safe adults to talk and walk with and they need to be invited to talk. By simply inviting the questions (e.g: “Hey loves, please ask every question that comes into your mind. There is no question that is un-askable.”) we tell our children that their fears are welcome and that we are available to help them cope with them. In addition, children learn, from their primary communities (families, churches, schools, classes, neighborhoods) whether differences are good and manageable or bad and to be avoided. The world will offer them opportunities to perpetuate these learnings time and time again. It seems to me that giving them the opportunity to experience relationships with grown people who are grounded, confident, and empathic enough to tolerate differences rather than be threatened by them can do nothing but make the world a better place. Children also need us to help them understand that there will always be people who will have different ideas and values than them and that learning to live with these people rather than tearing them down is the healthier path. To this end, helping children develop critical thinking and conflict management skills and then providing opportunities for application and practice is more important than ever.

When interacting with children, adults often passively disrespect the intensity of children’s feelings and lived experiences. In order to help children (and anyone, really) through swirling “bathtub” moments we must first be willing to be attached to them. We must listen as much as we talk, and truly “be with” as much as we “live along side of.” We must come toward a child’s questions or actions or emotions from a place of willingness to engage, speak their language, and answer them honestly. One of the primary reasons for my utter love for Mr. Rogers is his embodiment of deep respect for the experience of each individual child (and person). He took things seriously and did not shy away from difficult topics simply because his audience was young. We need to be these kind of adults in the lives of our children and vulnerable communities. We must be honest and humble, owning our own stuff and making space for the real stuff of the child and their world. For one of the most potent examples of this I offer this clip of Mr. Rogers addressing children and their parents the night after the assassination of Bobby Kennedy.

Speak (radical/ruthless) l(L)ove to narcissism.

Part of the universal appeal of Mr. Rogers is that he seems capable of doing that which we all wish we could do: Advocate for the immense worthiness of each individual without putting any other individual down. In so doing he has engaged in what Quaker Civil Right’s activist Walter Wink refers to as “the struggle to overcome domination without creating new forms of domination.” He sees people, values them, and loves them with power attempting to match to the hate they have been served. 

The kind of love I am referring to here is one that is far from shallow or permissive. It is love that involves struggle (as the most intimate love does) to make space for those it seems impossible to love. It means being committed to love even when hate is the easiest alternative. It is neither coddling nor co-dependent. It isn’t whimpy. Speaking Love to narcissism means doing no harm but taking no shit (a line stolen from my favorite magnet). It means I work to harness the power of my strong reactions in order to use the resulting energy proactively. It means I cannot use the very methods I abhor in my enemy but, rather, must find a way of counteracting the powers of self interest and hatred. It means I must work to keep my attention on what I can do to change the reality of those who hurt rather than squandering it on those who simply seek the intensity of my reaction.

Psychologically, narcissism is born out of insecurity and emptiness. From a core that feels unlovable, unacceptable, or less-than the individual who functions from a narcissistic perspective looks outside of them self to find affirmation, confirmation, and security. The narcissistic self needs others to praise it It needs intensity of response to it. The narcissistic self needs us to respond largely to it. Positivity or negativity is irrelevant…intensity is all. Where a more grounded self might say “I hope that my presence adds positivity” the narcissistic one might say “I hope my presence makes an impact.”

In my own experience I have come to believe that the best response to narcissism is one of radical compassion toward the heart of the individual acting in narcissistic ways and radical disinterest in response to their efforts to win the intensity of my attention. If this is an option, one way we might move forward would be to engage in efforts to redirect our attention away from the provoking attacks and attention seeking behaviors all around us and toward pro-active, hope driven, tangible actions that confront hatred with the kind of Love that can’t not change things.

Where do we go from here?

Late at night on the 3rd of July I was flossing my teeth. Half way round the top I tasted something funny and heard a “ping” in the sink below me. It took less than a second for me to realize that my front cap was rounding the bowl of the sink, inching it’s way down to the hole at its bottom. The panic I felt as I realized that I’d have no front tooth if the cap went down the drain was real as, in seeming slow motion, I remembered that the next day was a holiday (the dentist’s office would be closed) and the day after that I was leaving for Ireland. Panic upon panic fueled my focus as I calmly covered the drain and captured the tooth. 

I think that many of us, regardless of our political leanings, feel a weird sense of slowed down/sped up panic and fear in the face of the vacuous unknowns that are pulling at us this week. We also know that we will be required to manage these feelings (and help those around us manage those feelings…especially the children and vulnerable amongst us) into the months and years ahead. In the coming days I am choosing to use some of my focused energy to encourage an active attack on narcissism along with a corresponding attempt to inspire empathic empowerment. I cannot single handedly turn the tide nor remove the fear of the drain altogether but I can function from a calm center, taking responsibility for my bias, privilege, and feelings, working to change the systems of domination one small and focused action at a time. 

I’d love if you’d join me in this pursuit. Each day for the next several weeks I’ll be posting a ten minute “speak (radical/ruthless) Love to narcissism” activity. These will be self contained experiences, each lasting approximately 10 minutes. I’ll be posting a link to sign up for daily emails tomorrow, otherwise, check Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram beginning Thursday to take part in this experience.

responding to surprising times part 2 (ideas for responding to the election)

This is part 2 of a 3 part series. If you'd like to read the series in its entirety, email me at doreen@doreendm.com and I will happily send it to you.

Find appropriate and safe outlets for your strong emotions & practice self soothing.

I believe that we, as a culture, are easily provoked to strong feelings and have done little to develop skills of working with and through them. Further, I believe that we have bought into the lie that we are soothed by what are actually distracting forms of stimulation. We turn to mmorpgs, the news, social media, Netflix, whatever online game we are currently playing, YouTube, or a thousand other places when we need to “come down.” We tamp down our feelings with food or drugs, spending or excessive internet surfing or we rant and rage, pouring them out onto those in our path.

What I believe we really need is a developed ability to express our emotions in safe and appropriate ways, to have witnesses to our affective realities who can hear us and hold space for us, and to develop skills that allow us to soothe ourselves. Mr. Rogers frequently said, “Whatever is mentionable is manageable.” What I believe he meant by this is that the simple act of speaking our emotional truth makes it such that we can begin the hard work of managing it. If I forego a mentionable recognition of my feelings I am apt to act upon them or project them onto you unconsciously. This happens frequently in social networks where reactive emotional interactions rule the day. Instead of attempting to rid ourselves of our strong feelings by trying to convince, “school,” or rail at others, how might it look and feel if we simply named our feelings to our selves and, possibly, a trusted other. “I feel so horrifyingly angry right now!!” “I feel so powerless that I cannot imagine how to move forward!” and other such statements actually connect us to our selves and our experiences. From there we can determine what we need to actually soothe and “calm down” the strong feelings inside of us. This, in turn, grounds us and makes us healthier humans and better neighbors more capable of responding with truth to power. *

This way of “mentioning” also forces a pause from which we can find ways of actually soothing our selves. Different from distraction, self soothing aims to calm and regulate the self. Actions like deep breathing and prayer or meditation may work for some of us while others may prefer creative exploration (making something, listening to music, playing an instrument) or physical activity like stretching, yoga, or walking. The goal is a sense of stability not necessarily a sense of perfect calm. When we soothe ourselves we are able to trust we can care for ourselves or at least know what would be helpful to ask fro from others. This makes us capable of handling the difficulties we are facing and allows us to escape from the tyranny of expecting other people or things outside of ourselves to care for our selves. It also makes us calm enough that we can begin to hear our deepest longings, needs, and concerns. When the body is deactivated from threat it can step into the place of experiencing the stress as a challenge to manage effectively.

Some simple ideas for dealing with strong emotions and practicing self soothing:

Do a feeling dump. On a blank piece of paper write as many of the feelings as you have had this week as you can remember. Spend no more than five minutes doing this. Look at the list and circle the strongest of these emotions. Consider what you need to express and release these feelings? Do you need to run/walk/swim/stretch/do something with your body? Do you need to sing/play an instrument/pound on a drum? Do you need to draw or journal? Do you need to talk? Do you need to create a ceremony of some sort to release the feelings? Do you need a sacred space to contain you? Find these avenues and pursue them. If you can’t find them, ask for help to do so.

If you have a safe friend or two and you’d like to practice “mentioning,” set aside a time and place that is quiet and free from distractions. Allow for at least 10 minutes per person attending. Tending to quality eye contact give each person 5 minutes to answer the following prompts. “I feel…”  “I wish…” “I need…” Set a timer for each 5 minutes and respect it. At the end of each person’s sharing take a minute to simply hold their sharing in the space between you. No comments or feedback, just holding the attention toward the person’s words. Move to the next person and do the same. At the end of the time find a way to affirm and validate each other as people.

* If we are bereft of safe places to process or trustworthy witnesses to our difficulties, there are some reliable places to look. Therapists are obvious choices (and exist in every shape, color, and “creed,” some even offering free or low fee services). So are pastors, priests, imams, and spiritual directors. Support and therapy groups exist aplenty in most cities and can be accessed by a call to county mental health agents or local churches, synagogues, and mosques. The key is to find someone who listens more than speaks and who directs you more to finding your answers than to converting you to theirs.

Be the change.

While we can never actually go down the drain there are many people and groups in our country that live in near constant threat of doing so. Many of these humans have been specifically threatened and mocked very publicly these last 18 months. While we all have reason to feel afraid at times, the repeated labeling, belittling, and direct threats toward people of color, Muslims, individuals with different abilities, women, trans, and gay individuals has had a large scale impact on feelings of worthiness and safety within these communities. We all have the ability to to make small inroads into restoring these individuals’ sense of worthiness and belonging. Without seeing ourselves as saviors (see note below about owning our privilege) we can reach out to those who are hurting in respectful, sensitive, and honoring ways, always listening and learning before acting. In order to do this we must begin with acknowledging the ways in which we are part of the problem and then seek out ways to be the change. 

In terms of more systemic and large scale ways of being the change, it is important to give ourselves plenty of time and space to effectively discern where our efforts might be best utilized and with whom we might most efficaciously partner. Sometimes, when tensions are high and unrest is great, we leap ahead of ourselves and over-commit to too many efforts or sit paralyzed not certain where to invest ourselves. It would benefit all of us if we each worked hard to push through this reactive over- or under- response. While we are discerning which larger causes to give ourselves to we can take small with actions that cost very little. We can make eye contact or small financial contributions. We can write letters to people of influence. We can seek balanced, reliable information and data in order to be well informed. Above all we can take steps to understand our privilege, working to remove the log in our own eye that blinds us from the way in which our system of domination, heirarchy, and elitism favor some and pull down others.

responding to surprising times (ideas for responding to the election)

I have worn a bracelet, given to me by my friend Cathie Jo, for 20 years. If I’ve ever removed it, I can’t remember when. On it is written some of the greatest words of comfort ever penned. “You can never go down the drain. Mr. Rogers.” I’ve been clinging to this promise as the swirling forces of unrest and the ambient pressure of cultural upset have invaded every corner of this week. In surprising, unsettling times it can be easy to grasp at whatever is graspable in order to avoid going down the drain of despair, of anger, or, even, of glee and gloating. I want to share, today, some thoughts about how we might stop grasping and start grounding. How we might survive the bath even when it scares us. Even when there is real reason to be afraid. 

I have been on a media fast since Tuesday night at 10 p.m. I have not read or watched any news coverage. I have switched my car radio from NPR to the local classical music station. Not a regular Facebook user, I have logged in to my professional account once this week to post a status encouraging folks to put their devices away. I have not engaged social media at all. I chose a similar response pattern following the crisis of 9/11. Knowing that I did not personally need images or editorialism to help me connect emotionally to the situation, I chose to use any time that I might have consumed media to simply hold the victims and their families and all parties making decisions about our national responses in the Light and Love of God. I am choosing that approach this week because I want to be clear headed and open hearted as I deal with the initial fall out of a situation I cannot control.

In a dedicated effort to put only meaningful content out in the world have written draft after draft of this post. I have written the political version, the therapist version, and the gender and race based versions. I have written the version filled with swearing and the version filled with tears and stunned silent spaces. I started a theological and faith based version and ended up deleting the whole 4 pages in a fit of utter frustration. I am choosing to post this version, filled with what I want to share with my niece and nephew, the thousands of young adults I have been blessed to interact and make friendships with in the last two years, my own kids and my “extra” kids, my clients and my friends about how we might best respond when faced with situations that make no sense, are largely out of our control, and spark fear or concern in our bellies and our hearts. 

It feels important to share that the events of this week’s election coincide with the end of 17 months of travel (for speaking, research, and writing) for me wherein I have had my most profound, prolonged “Come to Jesus” moment about privilege, bias, and what Walter Wink refers to as “the Powers that Be.” I have made friendships in parts of my country heretofore unknown to me. I have been in Ferguson, Missouri (thank you Chris), affluent, gentrified, and hurting parts of Philadelphia (thank you Gage, et al), Ivy League Princeton (thank you Mackenzie and Mark), rural Western Pennsylvania, Nashville (thank you Heather),  rural Arkansas (thank you Tracy), rural Kentucky (thank you Sarah and Clint), and in many other urban and rural parts of the West, Midwest, South, and East. I have pushed myself into experiences on all points of the religious, political, and cultural continuums in order to try to understand where people are coming from and what drives them. I have born witness to the devastation of racial discrimination, I have witnessed (and experienced) bullying, and I have heard stories of countless young individuals who have experienced all manner of shunning and shaming simply for being who they were born to be. If I, a middle aged, cisgender, straight, resourced white doctor, feel overwhelmed by what I have witnessed and learned, how can I hope to imagine what is has been/is like to experience all of life in this country as part of a marginalized or misunderstood community?

This year stretched and re-organized me and I was emerging from it, long before last Tuesday, determined to fight elitism, heirarchy, and domination in as many ways as I can. Believing that I was put on this earth to help individuals findwhat George Fox (the founder of the Quaker movement) referred to as “that of God” within them, after this year I am more confident than ever that we are created equal, that every single one of us is intended to live rich, complex, fiery lives, that we deserve attachment and safe community, and that our humanity has created a system that privileges some individuals and oppresses others. I believe that we all contain immense light alongside plenty of dark and I believe that no one is immune from this, especially me. While everything in me wants to call out the dark in others, I feel more strongly called to the struggle of determining how to effectively and actually live out what I say when I say that Love must win out over hate.  

This life and this year have changed me. I am no longer able to live comfortably surrounded by people just like me. I must be a celebrator of diversity. I must set a table at which everyone is welcome. I must work to acknowledge my privilege and the powers that work actively and passively to oppress others. I must live in such a way that justice and Love are siblings. As my friend Tyler says, if I believe that there is that of God in everyone then I NEED everyone’s voice and presence to understand God and to experience the fullness of life.

This means I need to love those I disagree with. It means I need to find a way to respond non-violently to even my “enemy.” This week, and this year, this is difficult for me.

When things feel topsy turvy, don’t make sense, and feel as though they are sucking me toward the drain I have several options in response. I can become reactive, spewing my insides and acting out. I can become paralyzed, isolated, and afraid, reinforcing my fear by the simple response of inactivity. I can become overwhelmed and depressed or manic and out of control. I can also, however, choose to respond from a place of centeredness and calm. This is the response I hope to encourage with the following thoughts, ideas, and reflections. So, if I were given the opportunity to suggest five things to do in response to this week’s election to the people I care deeply for, they would be the following.

Find your center and work to function from an internal locus of control.

While there are understandable needs to be informed and aware (especially for certain people), there is likely nothing to be gained right now from listening to one more inciting news story, reading one more editorial, or scrolling yet again through one’s Facebook feed. Put down the phone, turn off the laptop. Drive in silence. The news, social media, and the noise can wait for periods of time while we find our center and experience our core. Our dependence upon and preference for hyper-connectedness does not serve us well when we, and those around us, are reactive and affectively dysregulated. Even if we are using media to stay safe or to organize, we will be most effective if we do so from a very grounded center and a filtered receptivity.

Most of us currently live from what I refer to as an External Locus of Control (with the word “locus” meaning “center”). We have acclimated to living life at such a hyper extended range and accelerated pace that we rarely take time for the kind of stillness required to be able to assess our emotional, intellectual, and physical well being. Unable to tolerate focused quiet and bereft of experience with the messy feelings we experience therein, we crave distraction or hand holds outside of our selves. This creates a vicious cycle where we feel dysregulated (sped up, anxious, depressed, manic) by the occurrences around us but incapable of stepping away to find our center. Instead we seek to be well-informed, well-entertained, or well-distracted which turns us back toward forces outside of our selves rather than within.

When we are our healthiest we live from a deeply developed sense of self and a well established internal locus of control. We seek to understand our thoughts and feelings and to give them voice or to resolve them as needed. We can look to our own selves to find strength and determination as well as comfort (a good nap, a long cry, screaming in the car), empathy and humility. We can be in relationship to others as whole inter-dependent individuals without being dependent upon them to validate us. We can attach and detach from others and from information sources without anxiety or fear, knowing that we are solid in and of our selves.

This is why I choose to fast from media in times of unrest and crisis (and I recognize that my privilege allows me to do so). I want to make my own assessments before I listen to others. I want to wrestle with my own emotional reactions so that I can come to the information I will receive in less unconsciously biased and reactive ways. I need to get grounded and regulated before I engage with a world of others who may or may not have done the same. While I need to be informed about and prepared for what will happen in the days ahead, my ability to be fully present to the moment I am in is of immense importance. I have very little control over the world at large and huge control over how I respond to and live within it. I choose to do so from a grounded center and an internalized locus of control.

Some simple ideas for finding your center:

Do a brain dump. On a piece of plain paper write everything that comes to your mind for five minutes. Try to release it from your mind as you write. Leave it on the paper. Take some deep breaths and re-enter your day imagining a clean slate from which to start.

Find a physical center. Standing with both feet hip width apart and firmly on the floor, feel your feet and imagine flattening them to make a very steady base. Slowly and with your eyes closed, rock gently back and forth and side to side while keeping your feet flat on the ground. Move your body in circles, experimenting with where you feel most centered. When you find that space stretch your head upward to lengthen your spine. Experiment with grounding your feet and lengthening your body, breathing deeply and feeling centered and stable.

Practice some mindfulness meditations. Some of my favorite of these can be found here. If you are a person who experiences a relationship with Divine Presence/God/a Higher Power there is a meditation for you on my website which can be found here.

(I hope you'll check back in later today for more ideas for how to handle surprises.)

an open letter to anyone who has ever texted me (or who ever plans to)

dear friend/family member/colleague/or other person who has ever texted me,

i just finished aziz ansari’s fantastic book modern romance and am feeling both enlightened and horrible. enlightened because he brilliantly illuminates what it’s like to be a young adult in the world in 2016 and horrible because i’ve been blind to potential messages i’ve been sending simply by receiving your texts. while i knew that many of you might have expectations regarding texting etiquette, i had no idea that i was, very likely, triggering all sorts of assumptions given my haphazard way of using my phone.

to put it plainly, i was clueless that you might be making assumptions about your relative importance to me based upon the length of my responses and/or the time it takes me to respond at all. 

i. was. clueless.

here’s the deal. i don’t always carry my phone. sometimes i leave it in my backpack unchecked for hours at a time. several days in a row, recently, i forgot it at home on the counter next to the coffee pot. while i remembered my coffee cup but not my phone when i left the house, it truly doesn’t mean that my coffee is more important to me than you are. i have not forgotten YOU. you matter to me. regardless of how long it takes me to respond or how short my response might be. 

since i don’t check my phone when i’m with people or writing or walking or driving or eating or doing any number of things, when i do reference it i often have many (many many many many) more texts and voice mails than i can meaningfully respond to right away. in addition, as a person to whom communication matters a great deal, i tend to want to respond to all incoming messages with intention and meaning. it truly never occurred to me that the ratio of my words to yours or the lag time between them might communicate more loudly (or at least as loudly as) the words themselves.

now, however, i’m realizing that we may think very differently about that. you might prefer speed and carefully considered text length ratios over everything else. you might actually be feeling uncared for/disregarded/or (the worst ever) manipulated by my response time or text lengths. for that, i am sorry.

being aware of this has made me empathic in all kinds of new (and stretching) ways. now i understand more clearly why some of you respond to incoming texts even when we’re in the middle of a deep discussion, therapy session, walk in the park, or ordering our dinner. i get it now. i still may not love it but i get it. i also have increased empathy for those of you frustrated at my (or your grandmother’s, boss’, gardener’s, or whomever’s) lag and/or brevity in responding. we might not connect entirely on our philosophy about and engagement with communication via text but at least i understand the issues at play and the way in which the disconnect might play out.

so, thank you for being connected to me on this bizarre, beautiful, and bountiful journey that is life in 2016. i’m glad, actually, that we have texting as a way of communicating and want to use it effectively. when my version of “effectively” and yours don’t match and you begin to wonder what i’m thinking, where i’ve gone, or what i mean, please ask. i’d rather speak truth than have you wonder and truth is that you matter a lot but that my phone doesn’t as much. as a result, i’m likely holding you in my thoughts far more than holding my phone in my hands. and, when you can’t (or don’t) ask, read this as my default response whenever you need:

thank you for your text. i’m glad you reached out. it may take me a while to reach back simply because of my weird relationship with my phone and the pace at which my life is moving these days. please know that you and this message matter to me. if you need an answer (beyond this) more quickly than you receive one, please please reach back out and tell me that. otherwise, assume that i am holding you in light and love and hoping for you tangible reminders of your immense value and that i will respond in kind in time.

it may not be quippy, short, or clever but it’s my truest intention and one i hope you’ll receive and trust.

you matter (to me and to the world). please know that to your core.

doreen

a quick p.s. to everyone (even those who never, ever text me):

i think this disconnect in communication styles, expectations, and preferences might be happening a lot out there and i want to help us all be informed about this. awareness and open communication seems better than a whole lot of folks sitting around feeling frustrated at either too quick or too slow response times or too many or too few words. for this reason, why not suspend your assumptions when someone doesn’t respond or when someone you are with responds to the texts of others in your presence? why not talk face to face (or at least voice to voice) before assuming that you are being played or ignored? if you are a person who doesn’t stay close to your phone why not let those who text you know this? when beginning a texting relationship with someone it might be worth addressing how you each use (or don’t use) your devices to prevent misunderstanding. it may seem laborious but i believe it’s less so than laboring under false assumptions. communication is difficult regardless of how it is dispensed. working to make it clearer and better is always worth work in my mind. how about yours?

offering what you have (becuase it is likely [more than] enough)

i love sending packages to kids at camp (or adults on extended vacations, at rehab, or, anywhere, really). this year, in my frantic race to get parcels mailed to four campers, i made some kind of crazy grave error and all four were returned to my own mailbox for an assortment of reasons. last year i was more successful when my nephew came to oregon for camp knowing no one and having never been to over night camp. wanting my packages to be interactive, i placed items in them that he could share with his cabin mates and new friends. ethan is people smart and loves sharing so i pictured him receiving these silly items and excitedly passing them out amongst his fellow campers. this fell at the beginning of the stick-on mustache craze and the package i was most tickled with had bubble gum and a ruler (for a bubble blowing competition) and two packages of stick-on mustaches. toward the end of the week i realized i was disappointed that i hadn’t spotted a single mustache in any of the photos that the camp staff had posted throughout the week. a day or so after he was home i asked him if he’d had fun passing them out. he looked at me incredulously but with complete sincerity. “i didn’t give them to anyone.” he said. surprised and confused i asked, “why not?” “because no one ever asked me for one” he said as though this was as obvious as the nose on his face.

to him this matter was crystal clear. since no one had expressed desire for a press-on mustache all week, why in the world would he offer them one? i, on the other hand, could only think, “why in the world would anyone think to ask you for a press-on mustache?” wehaven’t spoken of the incident since but i think about this interchange often as it highlights a dynamic i encounter nearly every day. 

there are so many things that get in the way in regards to our giving. the most obvious of these is our imagining that what we have to offer is only meaningful/valuable/desired if it is asked for. since ethan’s own reaction to receiving mustaches (something he himself had never even thought of asking for) was one of ambivalence he didn’t perceive them as having value and never even thought of offering them to others. this happens all the time in small and subtle and huge and obvious ways. the only commodity someone has is time but they assume that what is most needed is money or a specific skill. a person is gifted at doing “behind the scenes” tasks yet feels certain that an “up front” person is what is needed so never offers up her “gift.” a community member makes a killer tuna casserole but assumes there is no one in the world that needs another one of those. 

since no one is asking, deliberately, for what we have to offer we make no offer at all.

this holding back because we aren’t actively asked happens for a myriad of reasons. at the root of most of these is fear. fear of risking the offering. fear of looking foolish. fear of rejection. fear of not finding the PERFECT place to give our gift(s). fear of not having the “right” thing or gift or commodity and being judged or dismissed as a result.

with some distance i can see ethan’s perspective. he’s at a camp with a couple hundred 10-13 year old boys, a demographic not known for their relational graciousness, open mindedness, and creative and out of the box thinking within a group. on day four of camp, as his cabin mates are preparing for archery, fishing, adventuring of all kinds, and meal time “who can eat the most (fill in the least nutritious offering they can find at the table) today” competitions, ethan approaches them and asks, “might i interest you in a press-on mustache?” i can totally see this offering falling flat at best and being met with obvious “what the heck does that have to do with anything and why in the world would i want one of those???” and “you are one bizarre kid” confused responses at worst. it makes sense that he made no offers.

the longer i live the more i believe that life is richer when i actively seek out opportunities to contribute. this is true regardless of the size or nature of the contributions. offering what i have in order to benefit another/others engages me with my community, contributes to feelings of value, and pushes me outside of myself. 

contributing/giving need not always require me to offer what i do not have already. in fact, with a bit of deliberate thought and some creativity, i can typically find ways to meaningfully offer that which i already have or that which is easy for me to give. sometimes all that is required is a bit more thought and investment of time and energy. a few examples to illuminate my point:

i always have a few items of clothing that need to be passed along. i keep a bag in my closet and force myself to fill it, over time, with things i wear that i realize i don’t feel great in. when it’s full, rather than simply dropping it at the nearest goodwill i have found two organizations that gift clothing to families in need. it takes an extra 10 minutes to get to these locations but the pay off, which is a result of using what i have (research skills to find the organizations, a few extra minutes a couple of times a year, and clothes i need to pass along), is beyond worth it.

referring back to ethan, as a people smart kid his best and easiest gift to give is his ability to interact with people. realizing this, my brother and sister in law got him involved with the red cross when he was very young. he would volunteer at blood drives by handing out cookies and juice and often loaning his blankie to individuals who had just given blood.

my friend jack is an amazing musician. for years, he and his family vacationed at the same beach town with a group of friends who spent their evenings gathering and playing music together at whatever home they had rented. having gotten to know the residents of this coastal town, jack and his family and friends came to greatly respect a local resident who hosted an elaborate hot dog stand every summer to fund his foundation. this organization (the mudd-nick foundation) helps children in the area by funding enriching experiences, college visits, and providing leadership opportunities and mentorship. jack and his family (sue, katy, and emma) joined with their friends and began playing music at the hot dog stand, hoping that it might increase traffic and funds for jim’s foundation. this has become a summer tradition and, this past summer, jim announced that the muddogs (the name of the always morphing group of talented musicians who set up each morning and play mind-blowingly good music on their make shift stage) had not only brought joy to the summer stand routine but had also raised almost $4000 in tips that have gone to the organization. in using what they have and offering it creatively, a community of talented musicians and some sound equipment, the buddecke’s make an important and valuable contribution. this particular offering gives not only to the foundation but also offers some of us who have chosen non-music based paths an opportunity to perform with a band in a supportive and fun setting (last week, while playing in an urban fountain in portland, i was approached by a family who identified me as the singer from the hot dog stand band...that was a very cool moment!). we all both give and get gifts in this scenario. (in fact, jim mudd, who spent his professional years in sales and now runs the foundation, steals the show in the best possible way every summer. you can see him do so in the video below.)

my sister-in-law’s mother is a talented quilter. realizing that the families of still born babies get only a tiny bit of time with their precious ones and that that time is forever all they have, janet makes blankets for these wee ones to be wrapped in while they are being held by their grieving parents. her gift is generous beyond words and grows from a skill and talent that is natural for her.

another sewing friend found a community of immigrants who had no access to clothing familiar and comfortable to them. she found a location willing to offer her weekly space and began teaching simple sewing classes. over time she has gathered donated sewing machines and fabric and has expanded to more lessons each week. she gets to teach a skill and offers others the opportunity to give what they have (machines and fabric) plus contribute greatly to a group who can increasingly support themselves.

there are thousands of examples of this kind of “offering what you have boldly, bravely, and creatively” giving. there are people who keep a flat of water bottles or box of power bars in their passenger seats to hand to people who need them. there are dedicated folks who send encouraging mail to prisoners, the troops, and kids in the foster care system. there are others who spend time each week reading with kids at their local schools or to residents at nearby retirement homes (some employers actually offer work time for such volunteer efforts). there are musicians who play music during meals at nursing homes and on hospital floors. their are folks who mow ailing neighbors’ lawns. one powerful human i know recently organized her church community in fully furnishing a home for and helping with the arrival of a refugee family of seven from syria. she has mad administrative and relational skills and offered them beautifully and generously.

so, ask yourself the following questions and find what is easy to give. push past the fear and offer your creatively considered and presented gift. the world may not realize that it needs your version of the press-on mustache so many never ask for it but, in reality, who couldn’t use exactly what you have to offer?

some questions to help you on your way:

what are the things you love to do or that are easy for you to do? 

what do you have an excess of or easy access to? time? money? energy? possessions? a specific skill?

what do you see as trash/unnecessary that could actually be used by another? (classic examples of this are the “box tops for education” that get recycled but that could be saved and sent to a school aged child to bring in to their schools and the ronald mc donald house pop tab collection program which should absolutely be checked out by everyone. click here)

how might you enhance the gifts you already give by doing just a tiny bit more research or outreach? (e.g: rather than dropping donations at the easiest spot, seek out a shelter program that gives your donations to displaced families/individuals. or, to make a bigger impact, invite others to participate with you in your giving.)

what stops you from offering? how can you address this and move past the fear to making an effort to give? (i find that a huge issue here is the fact that we now have more places to do research than ever. in our efforts to find the perfect organization or opportunity we end up using valuable time we could have used to just give within. push yourself to do “good enough” research and to then just get on with the giving. truly. sometimes just doing the thing is better than continuing a search for the perfect thing.)

if you can’t think of how you might offer what you already have, who is a creative and observant person in your life who might be able to help you determine what gifts you have to offer and who might be open to receiving them?

muddogs with jim mudd check out the important work of the mudd nick foundation: http://muddnickfoundation.org