ideas for long weekends (excitement, ambivalence, & dread)

we are on the eve of a holiday weekend and i can feel it...the excitement, the ambivalence, the exhaustion, the dread.” weekends such as this are such a mixed bag for so many people and we would be wise to enter them with intention. to that end, i offer the following thoughts and ideas on celebrating a day off and considering your neighbor.

some basic considerations:

1 it’s o.k. to ask for what you would like. even if you have children or partners or friends to whom you are committed, it’s important that you have a clear understanding of your hopes and that you take steps to communicate and achieve them in some measure. if you need some alone time, it is your responsibility to get it. if you need some community connection, it is yours to seek out. no one can read your mind and expecting them to will only lead to resentment and disappointment. it might not be the easy path to add your needs into the mix but it is the only one that will lead to healthy relationships and a successful long weekend. 

2 it’s important to be flexible. if you take the above consideration seriously and make efforts to get what you would prefer and it doesn’t happen, a gracious and flexible response is important. if you wanted some connection, invited it, and were turned down do not dismay. similarly, if you wanted alone time, sought it out, and it proved elusive, take a breath. you can celebrate having tried. it may not be your first choice to do the next hours in the way that they are evolving, but there is likely still meaning and fun to be gleaned.

3 a party of one can still be a party. as a person who could easily err on the side of too much independence i am always shocked by the fear that many people have of doing things alone. i am not referring here to the sadness that results from wishing that one had a more meaningful relationship, a deeper community, or the like. i know that, for those who would prefer to move through life with a partner as opposed to without one, the ache is profound and real. i also know that western culture can behave toward these individuals as though they simply haven’t tried hard enough or been willing enough or whatever other message leads them to feel marginalized and even more lonely.  these realities stink. hugely! (this post might get somewhat near addressing the coming days for these folks) what i am talking about here, however, is the hesitance that some people feel to try things if they cannot find someone to try them with. if you feel hesitant/fearful/resistant to trying something or having an experience because you will have to do it alone, you leave your experience collection in the hands of others. this is not fair to them or to you. if you want to have an experience and cannot find anyone to join you in it, why not try it with your self?

it is important to me to practice what i preach. to that end i have done the following activities alone. i have gone bowling, danced up at the front of a concert, gone to movies, plays, meals, and events, had picnics, hiked, vacationed, attended a meet up, done a road trip, volunteered at civic events, and more totally by myself. even in crowds of connected others. when people ask me, “aren’t you afraid of what others will think?” i smile and say, “who cares?” i know the mind of others. even if they think, for a fleating second, “she’s alone” the next moment their mind will be elsewhere and i’ll still be there getting the experience i wanted or needed and feeling a deep sense of satisfaction for doing so.

4 being productive is one way of being in the world. while a strong work ethic is a helpful thing, it is important to learn to be idle. rest, refreshment, and changes of pace are important for overall health. for some, this ability is largely underdeveloped. for these individuals, exploring ways of tolerating a slower pace and the art of being, can be important and empowering. it can also feel foreign and scary. be patient and open, there are plenty of ways of developing the skill of being.

5 even the smallest of communities and barest of cupboards can provide all that is needed for a meaningful day. if you are a person of creative pursuit you already know this. if not, you may lack ideas for how to spend the long weekend ahead of you. to that end, i humbly offer the following list of ideas for how to make fun from something or from next to nothing and for simply making the most of the days ahead. 

ideas for a long weekend:

1 see the movie “inside out.” don’t ask questions, don’t read reviews, don’t think it’s only for kids. just go. now. if you are fortunate enough to live in an area where a drive in theater is showing it, try that. 

2 try a kind of food you’ve never eaten. go out, get take out, or try a recipe at home. if you don’t want to make that much effort, open your fridge and mix two things you haven’t ever mixed before. if even that feels like too big a stretch make some pasta or rice then mix equal measures of peanut butter (or any nut butter) and salsa to put on top. trust me...

3 people watch. find a park or a table at a cafe or just sit on the sidewalk somewhere. watch people. make up stories about where they’ve been and where they’re going. don’t judge, just make up stories. do this for at least an hour. push past the time where you feel uncomfortable and self conscious.

4 if your town hosts a 4th of july parade, make a stationary float. this was one of my family traditions growing up. sit (either by yourself or with others) on a parade route with poster boards and a sharpie with which you make signs to hold up for the people in the parade. some ideas: “we love the parks department” “nice wheels” “marching bands make my day” “thank you” “throw candy this way”  you get the idea.

5 invite your neighbors to join you for sparklers after dark. it can be as simple as that. leave a little note at a few neighbor’s doors saying sparklers and lighters at 9 p.m. out front...join me for a ten minute neighborly celebration. 

6 read. maybe even a paper book. put your clock or phone away and let yourself get lost in the story. don’t pay attention to the time.

7 doodle. if you have crayons or colored pencils, get them out and go crazy. if not, any old paper and pen will work.

8 do a puzzle. if you don’t have one, most stores have a cheap option for you. put it out on thursday night in a place where you can work on it a little bit at a time over the weekend.

9 if you are hosting others try something new in the way of letting go of expectations. be intentional about dropping some detail or letting yourself off the hook for the celebration being perfect. try to do the event in a new way that allows a new or different level of engagement for you.

10 doorbell ditch or sidewalk chalk surprise someone. make a plate of goodies (they don’t need to be fancy) or draw someone a picture and write an encouraging note then leave it at their door, ring the bell, and run away or write affirmations all over their driveway with sidewalk chalk and leave before they catch you.

11 go iceblocking. grab an ice block or two from a convenience store and a towel from home. go to a park with hills. go to the top of the hill, put the towel on the top of the ice block, sit on it, slide down the hill. over time, as the ice block begins to melt, your slides will be faster.

12 blow bubbles. you don’t even need to go get anything. you have everything you need at home. empty a can of it’s goods, remove the top and bottom of the can and dip one end in the following mixture then blow through the other end. bubble “juice” recipe: 1/2 c dishwashing liquid (joy brand works especially well) 2 c water 2 tsp sugar

13 make (and play with) play dough. even if you have no kids. seriously. this is fun. a good recipe can be found here.

14 write a thank you note. you don’t need a card or fancy stationery. simply think of someone who has made an impact on your life and type or write them a note to spell out how their importance to you.

15 find a store in your area that you’ve never visited and check it out. if there is any kind of international market near you, that is a great place to start. just go explore.

16 put your feet in cold water. find a public fountain in which to dip your toes. if one doesn’t exist, get a kiddie pool or a large plastic tub and fill it with cold water then sit with your feet in it in your yard. invite others if you’d like or just enjoy the cool quiet by yourself.

17 if all else fails and you decide to turn to netflix or hulu, make your entertainment choices matter by choosing thought provoking and “smart” media. for my top picks you can go here.

sprains of the soul

I recently went on vacation. It was an amazing adventure involving lots of hiking on slippery and uneven terrain, miles of walking, and many, many stairs. Given my bizarre obsession with packing light, I accomplished all of this footwork while wearing the one pair of shoes that I brought. These were decidedly not hiking boots and offered little traction and no stabilization. On more than one occasion I regretted my choice. While my family scurried over steep hills I had to choose my path carefully and move slowly. Even still, as the trip came to a close, I joked about becoming a spokesperson for the shoe brand given my expert skill in navigating the unexpected in their totally inappropriate-for-the-fjords-of-Finland kicks. Then, two days before our two week vacation was to end, came the completely flat sidewalk upon which I rolled my ankle. One minute I was up, in the midst of an interesting and lively conversation, and the next I was down. I looked over my shoulder to find the uneven ground, the lifted pavement, the huge hole that had, most certainly, tripped me up and saw only pristinely flat pavement. The swelling began immediately and, by the evening, my right shoe no longer fit. Not necessarily a wise sage when it comes to listening to my body, I iced and elevated only between long bouts of walking in that same pair of shoes.

Several weeks later my ankle was still swollen and painful. I was anxious to return to dance class so I headed off to see my favorite sport’s medicine physician. With a foot in each hand he wisely asked about prior injuries to the affected joint. His years of practice and expertise allowed him to quickly discern the difference in “play” between my two ankles. While I had long forgotten the ligaments I tore as a gymnast in high school, my body belied their existence.  This got me thinking about how pre-existing injuries impact present capabilities. 

Whenever our physical bodies experience strains, tears, breaks, infection, and the like, the entirety of our being responds. Muscles compensate, others atrophy, tissues accumulate. We build up antibodies or our systems become more vulnerable. Regardless of the specific disruption, our cells remember what has happened and, often, are impacted in long term ways. An injury accomplished 30 years ago creates a proclivity to re-injury today. Our bodies, in their wisdom and humanity, work to maintain health and stability and yet, can only do so much. If my right ankle is weak, I am more prone to rolling it, especially if I have lost conscious awareness of the need to be mindful of not doing so.

It hits me that our souls (or psyches, or spirits, or selves, or hearts...whatever word you choose to refer to as the seat of your being) are much the same. We have all suffered emotional injuries, dark nights of the soul, relational losses, and more. We do our best, after such injuries, to remedy them and/or to protect ourselves from further pain. Our efforts are most often based upon either deeply automatic or intentionally chosen coping strategies. Some people stuff the pain, ignoring it and hoping it will go away and others process it in any number of verbal or behavioral ways. Some create rituals to avoid further harm and others apply a “rehabilitation” strategy of sorts, working to understand what created the injury in an effort to curtail a repeat of it. Innumerable alternatives along this spectrum provide people with options for moving forward after suffering emotional pain. 

As with physical injuries, these soul wounds leave us vulnerable in deeply personal and specific ways. Just as previously torn ligaments leave my right ankle overly flexible and prone to sprains, pre-existing emotional injuries cause similar proclivities. Further, the manner in which we addressed the initial wounds profoundly impacts the pattern by which we deal with our present day ones. 

We’ve all witnessed (or been a player in) situations where a person’s reaction seems out of place in relation to the trigger. We’ve over- or under- reacted. We’ve been left before so we avoid emotional entanglements or cling to those who connect to us. We’ve been taken advantage of so we keep people at arm’s length, fear the motives of others, and are overly stingy with our resources. We’ve experienced failure so we stop taking risks or stop caring about our passions. A seemingly benign part of our daily routine stops us short and redirects our emotions; a stimulus that “should” make us feel happy prompts sadness; a smell triggers pangs of loneliness; or more. We are complex beings whose bodies and souls have created intricate systems that are stopped and started by all manner or experiences. When these patterns have gone on unexamined, when we have lost site of how our original injuries have left us vulnerable, we are particularly prone to sprains and swelling and pain of all sorts.

When I sprained my ankle it would have been best for me to stop walking, to elevate and ice it, and to stay down for a couple of days. Having done this, I could have made an intentional plan for how to strengthen the injured area and avoided the long term frustration I am experiencing today. The same is true of our emotional/relational/soul injuries. Exploring their etiology, understanding their impact, learning about the patterns they initiate within us could be like physical therapy for the soul. Rather than pushing through, acting like “it doesn’t hurt,” or developing a limp to compensate for the lack of strength, doing this difficult excavation might allow us to resolve the injury and improve our internal strength and our lives. If we don’t do this resolution work, we simply compensate.

Mister Rogers frequently reminded us that “whatever is mentionable is manageable.” This seems like a fitting mantra for the process of examining possible sprains to our souls. Rarely are these types of wounds easy or “fun” to explore. They can, however, be made manageable. The first step would be to tell yourself the truth about disruptions or experiences in your life that may have caused a pre-existing propensity for reactivity or pain. Finding a trusted person to wonder about these with might be a good next step. Not a person who is happy to tell you what you should do or think or feel but, rather, someone who has dealt with their own internal injuries or has proven to be sensitive to and qualified in responding to those of others. Writing or journaling which allows for honest exploration might be helpful and finding some good literature/resources around your particular kind of injury might help. A google search does not qualify here unless you use it as a jumping off point for finding content that is rich, grounded, and balanced. Ideas and interventions that at first make you squirm might be especially important to consider. Attending to interventions/messages that make you feel shamed or seem to “increase swelling” is probably a bad idea. For example, it was unwise for me to “intervene” by keeping walking in unstable shoes because if I didn’t I was “admitting defeat.” 

Too often our own internal messages about our weaknesses and pains, and those external ones that support them, are based in all sorts of wild inaccuracies. With sprains of all sorts, recovery will be slow and will happen best if approached with wisdom. Acknowledging the real injury, receiving some wise external assessment, intervening in appropriate ways, and being patient and intentional in regaining strength will help this process along. Ignoring the incident, pushing past the pain, and clenching our teeth, on the other hand, leave us vulnerable for future injuries and compensatory behaviors of all sorts. While much more involved than simply getting by and much more complicated than holding on to our rigid pain-induced proclivities, in life, as in walking, who wants to limp when they could soar?

christmas in june (thinking ahead about our tech use)

My niece turns 7 this week and is celebrating with a Christmas party. It’s June. She chose this theme for many reasons,including the generous inclusion of hot chocolate that the holiday invites. As the E3 (game developers) conference kicked off yesterday, it seems that Ella is not the only person thinking about Christmas. In keeping with retailers of all kinds, the gaming industry is whetting it’s loyal customer’s appetites about what they can look forward to this December. Live streams, constantly updating blogs, and never ending tweets emanating from the conference are bombarding me as I type.

I am particularly interested in this years’ conference because of my curiosity around how  virtual reality, 360 degree, fully immersive gaming/digital capabilities will impact our embodied lives. This is important to me because, while gaming often leads the way in digital content and product development, other entertainment enterprises are typically close behind. Following this second tier are the research, educational, and, sometimes, assistive/therapeutic applications. This is, of course, the case with virtual reality hard ware and software. While we’ll purchase the virtual reality head set for our gaming friends and family, new ways of using it will not be far behind. Porn developers, with pockets possibly even deeper than those of game developers, will offer their wares en masse as will all sorts of time sucking platforms dressed as entertainment enterprises. While these applications will create monetary windfalls, the assistive and therapeutic applications, will remain secondary, expensive, and out of reach of the mainstream. But I digress...

Digital spaces offer opportunity for escape in exceedingly powerful ways ranging from fully immersive experiences (think of the gamer who is playing with a head set and microphone) to singularly visual or auditory distraction (your partner in bed scrolling through youtube clip/news article/pandora station or playing trivia crack on their phone/tablet). When the images/sounds on the screen were square edged, pixelated images (and their auditory counterparts), it was easier to limit one’s time. When games had fewer story lines and less actions within the player’s control, there was only so long that one’s attention could be held.

Watching the trailers from Day 1 of the E3 conference, however, leads me to a place of deep empathic understanding of how compelling today’s games (and other digital forms of entertainment) are. Take the trailer for the much anticipated upcoming December release of The Last Guardian. In development for 10 plus years, the game includes a visually beautiful story line involving a massive cat/eagle creature and a young man moving fluidly through obstacles and challenges enhanced by a complex and compelling musical score.  I am not a gamer. I am deathly allergic to cats and not particularly drawn to animals. I don’t tend toward animated Japanese films. Even still, I thought the trailer was beautiful. This makes no sense. If I, who am prone to dislike both the media and the message, am drawn to it’s relational themes (between beast and boy) and sensual beauty (lush landscapes, subtle falling feathers, beautiful music), how much more so will those who want (and know how to) face into the strategic challenges of the game be drawn in? For anyone who finds embodied relationships difficult, costly, hard to find, or few and far between, the relationships available in digital spaces (with the characters we play or with the people we play with) are especially appealing.

The time to determine how we want to parse our personal and interpersonal resources is now. As individuals we are benefitted by honestly assessing the way in which we engage our embodied spaces and how our digital lives enhance or limit this. As the holiday season approaches we will be bombarded by press releases, news stories, and trailers (beautiful, stunning, interesting trailers) touting the latest and greatest of all relationships digital. Technologies will promise us opportunities to engage digital landscapes (head sets that allow you to turn your head in the game/digital environment and actually see what is behind you, etc) in never before ways. They will suggest that enhanced game play options will deepen your connection to the clans with which you (or your child, office mate, barista, etc) engage. Some games will promise to help you relax and some will offer intimate relationships with characters you yourself can fully shape. Very likely, all of these will be fun/effective/compelling/engaging. Almost certainly, they will be habit forming. 

Before we make the impulse buy, what about asking our selves the following questions:

How much of my life and energy is spent in digital spaces versus embodied ones?

Am I able to tolerate boredom? Do I ever allow idle time? Can I make and sustain eye contact? Do awkward social moments cause me undue stress? Am I personally and socially resilient?

Am I preoccupied with game strategy, social network sites, or other digital content even when I am engaging with things or people I have enjoyed in the past? Do my spoken conversation or internal dialogue center on stories or examples from digital platforms exclusively?

Do I defer to digital forms of entertainment above all others most, or all, of the time?

Once we’ve taken honest stock we can make healthy choices from the inside out rather than relying on cultural norms or marketing efforts to tell us what is best for us. For health, we need a balance. We need friends in embodied spaces in addition to those we play with (or im-personate) online.  Just like limiting Christmas to hot chocolate would be silly, so would settling for life online when so much is to be had off of it. 

to watch the last guardian trailer click here

If you, or someone you know, is having a hard time breaking a gaming habit that is hurting the ability to live in/tolerate their embodied life, email me. I’d be happy to help you find resources to help.

how (not) to spend a painful day

mother’s day. here we are again. rarely do days, in and of themselves, carry with them the ability to disappoint, pick at sore spots, and lay folks low as this one. perhaps your mother has caused pain or has left you prematurely, died long before she should have or by means too painful to mention. perhaps the mothers in your life wish for more recognition than feels possible or you feel inadequate to honor them appropriately. perhaps, as a mother, you secretly long for some certain kind of day and feel powerless to receive (or ask for) it. or maybe things are much more complex. perhaps you’ve lost a child, never gotten to love the child you wished for, or more. perhaps the whole day just makes you angry or sad or lonely or confusingly cranky.

it’s o.k. i get it. and so do others. they just might not know how to communicate that they do or how to get the message out to others.

on days like this there are easy things to do and there are more difficult ones. the easy things often feel like sitting and licking ones wounds. this can be important, for a season. at some point, however, this only makes the wounds larger and harder to treat. at that juncture the worst thing to do is to keep licking.

today, if you hurt, might you try a new way? not to encourage denial or to discount your pain but, rather, to nurture, to “mother” (to give the word it’s truest honor as a word that, i believe, is intended to be associated with all things loving, deeply accepting, comforting, and soothing), to care for your self. in case you need a few helpful ideas of how to apply this maternal salve and move through the day with less reactivity and discomfort, here are my best tips for “parenting your self” to a better way through a painful day.

1 acknowledge what hurts. ask a friend if you can talk for ten minutes, unleashing everything painful and negative around “mother” or “parent” without them judging or responding. if you prefer, do a brain dump and write it all out for ten straight minutes. (this might also look like you releasing the resentment or hurt of not being recognized as you wish you were. this is the other primary cause of pain today.) at the end of the ten minutes of writing or talking, imagine all the pain and difficulty outside of yourself. the words and the emotions are all released. see them there and simply let them be. there’s nothing to be done about them right now other than to let them be heard or seen and then left. focus on a sense of relief in having them expressed and determine to live as many minutes or hours as you can with the weight of them outside of you. decide this. firmly. leave them there. 

2 from the place of freedom that clearing out clutter (even if only for a short period of time...because if the clutter is intense it’s not realistic to imagine that this freedom will last forever) look up and around. what new possibility might exist for you in the next bit of time that didn’t exist when you felt weighted down and focused upon your pain, disappointment, loss, or more? getting it outside of you for a bit might allow you to see the world or other people with less “biased” glasses.

3 ask yourself what might be light hearted or meaningful to engage in from this freer place. does a nap sound good/possible? would a walk feed your soul? would reaching out to someone (for them, not you) allow your pain to recede even further (this won’t be applicable to those of you who tend to meet your own needs by making yourselves indespensable to others)? could you leave a hand picked bouquet on someone’s door step, deliver coffee to a friend who is working, hand a power bar to someone who needs one on the street, write a letter to an old friend or to the self that will one day pick those pains and hurts back up? movie theaters, favorite restaurants, parks, and music venues are all great places to take your self (even alone...sometimes especially alone). doodling, listening to your favorite music while lying between the speakers, baking your favorite treat for yourself, applying lotion...all these and more are ways of caring for yourself like the ideal mother would.

4 follow through. don’t lose this opportunity to “mother/parent” your most needful and honest self. the worst thing to do is to sit in the pain, to hang out where it hurts, until pity sets in and robs you of opportunity. yes, denial is unhealthy. repression doesn’t help. “mothering,” in it’s truest form, however, is neither of these and is most potent when applied to a hurting other. sometimes that “other” is our self.

the “easiest” thing is often the most problematic for your health and healing in the long run. trust that release is o.k. (even if only to the paper in front of you). look up and around, get creative and get moving. let the “mother” that is you love you well and imperfectly. in doing so it just might pour out to others as well. as a mother’s love ideally does...

bite & peck

it’s early may, the year before an election, and it’s happening: candidates are announcing their bids for the upcoming presidential election. as i drove to dance class this morning i listened to reports about the newest entries in the race and learned where they are campaigning. “here we go.” i thought to myself, rolled my eyes, and hopped out of the car. returning an hour later, having danced and sweated my dread away, a wholly different news story drew me in. this one included an interview with caroll spinney, the muppeteer who voice/empower big bird and oscar the grouch on sesame street. i’ve been looking forward to the movie about his work (and life) so was caught up immediately. caroll, speaking as big bird, was asked to name a few character traits that have contributed to his long standing success. without missing a beat he said, “i am friendly. i don’t bite or peck.” 

“a commitment to that one trait,” i thought, “could change the entire election season completely.”

sometimes i wonder if people can rise to positions of leadership anymore without biting and pecking.  i also think a lot about how much of our communication is shallowly undergirded by these two tendencies. especially the communication that happens online, in socially networked spaces, or exclusively via texted words and especially about things we feel strongly about...like political campaigns.

we, in the west, are a culture that thrives on pointing out the flaws of “the other side.” we promote our own best traits and expose our opponents worst ones. we tend toward selective attention and gather data that supports our assumptions then we use what we collect to bite and peck at the positions, ideas, convictions of those who disagree with us.

what if we were to choose a different way? what if we, like big bird, lived in such a way as to promote friendly interchange? what if we stopped biting and pecking and began inviting? inviting need not threaten us or imply a weakened stance. inviting is not necessarily agreeing. it is not, really, supporting. it is simply creating space for. 

when we create space for we are essentially saying, “i am grounded in my own thoughts, beliefs, and opinions so i need not be threatened by yours.” we send the message, “we can disagree and still be kind.” “we can be on opposite sides and treat each other with respect and dignity.” perhaps it even says, “my own ideas, convictions, and values are well examined and can stand to be challenged without me needing to take a defensive stand. if we can maintain a friendly interchange perhaps we’ll both emerge being able to say we respected our selves and each other and, by doing so, we have grown.”

with our constant access to news and information and venues to promote and share the same, the months ahead will be rife with opportunities for us to pick sides. we will be prodded and stirred. ridiculous amounts of money will be spent to get our attention and to enlist us in the process of “spreading the word” about this and that candidate and this and that issue. why not choose friendliness as the guide by which we receive and share this data? why not resist the tendency to bite and peck, choosing instead to listen and respond, invite and engage, and respect our neighbors with wild abandon?