coming back to our bodies (with some ideas of how to do so)

In the last week I’ve spent a lot of time reading about the “Internet of Things.” “Smart homes” where lights, heat/air, door locks, and more are controlled by one’s smart phone are becoming increasingly common. At the Consumer Electronics Showcase in January a bulk of internet connected home appliances were revealed, inspiring behind the scenes talk about the security measures that will be needed as increasing numbers of our things become capable of gathering, storing, presenting, and recording information.

One reviewer of smart home technologies commented in a New York Times piece that his decision point on whether or not to add digital capabilities to an object is if he needs to stand in front of the object to use it. An internet enabled toaster, for him, is unnecessary because he needs to be in front of it to insert and eat the toast. An internet enabled oven, however, could be turned off and on remotely to aid in food prep when he isn’t home. Similarly, an internet enabled refrigerator would allow him to check the contents while at the store (with the internal camera) thereby helping him determine his list remotely. Other reviewers rave about diaper changing pads that record baby’s weight and stool consistency, tracking it and sending charts to your phone throughout the day. Internet enabled pet collars allow owners to talk with their pets from work as well as check their heart rate and body temperature. It all gets pretty weird, to me, after a while.

So much of our lives, it seems, are already lived outside of our bodies. We maintain our friendships via texting, commonly saying we’ve “talked” to someone when, in reality, we’ve actually typed messages back and forth. We play games in digital spaces, our eyes seeing and brains perceiving any manner of different locations and settings while our fingers/hands feel the same exact controller/keyboard every single time. We sit on our couches with screens in our hands and others on the walls, often being completely out of touch with the feel of the room we reside in. We apply filters to our pictures, blurring the features of our selves and surroundings which we’d like to distract attention from. We look at our phones to know the weather and to track our calories. We rely upon our wearable technologies to tell us how to feel about our night of sleep and how many steps we still need to take. 

There is a technology for everything and push notifications, alerts, and digital reminders attached to objects in such a way that we hardly have to think in order to use them. All the while it feels to me as though we are becoming increasingly disconnected from the message indicators built into our bodies and souls. I believe that it is time for us to do some work to reverse this trend. I believe it is time for us to get back into the skin we live in.

This is not easy. Not only have we allowed ourselves to be intolerant of boredom but we have also trained ourselves to seek entertainment and distraction from outside of ourselves. We have relied upon screens for much of this, foregoing practice at occupying ourselves with only our selves. We perform physical tasks with less awareness of our bodies than of the devices we hold. Our tablets are in the bathroom and bedroom with us, our cars come complete with audio and video systems stocked with never ending entertainment options, our earbuds deliver a stream of music and podcasts tailored to and by our preferences. We order, pay for, pick up, and consume our latte making no human contact and our purchases are delivered to our doors at all hours of the day and night, meaning we rarely venture out to touch and feel and look at that which we are placing in our carts or the humans who make the goods available to us. We scroll through social media or news sites while we eat, barely tasting our food let alone smelling or seeing it. 

I refer to this tendency to live outside of our bodies as disembodiment. I believe it contributes to much of our use of chemical aids to amp us up (caffeine and stimulants) and to calm us down (alcohol, marijuana, and depressants). When we haven’t practiced stimulating or soothing our physiological selves in and of ourselves it is easy to rely on something from outside of us to do it for us. Further, exposed to images of people that have been highly digitally edited, we hold our bodies to unrealistic expectations. As men we might compare ourselves to the hyper masculinized video game avatars that grace our screens each day. As women we unconsciously notice the lack of inner thigh or sagging skin on nearly every image of women we are presented with. Turning from our screens and to our own physical bodies, we expect conformity to standards that are impossible for the vast majority of humans to achieve. Disappointment, harsh self treatment, and sometimes real clinical disorders result making us less inclined than ever to want to invade our own actual skin.

What if we were to live at least a little bit of life from the central space of our very own bodies? How might it feel to reside consciously from the skin in which we live, tending to the message indicators and unique needs and preferences of our actual bodies? What if we checked in with our own levels of tiredness, alertness, receptivity, and focus rather than our inbox or queue in order to determine our next course of action?  It doesn’t need to be difficult or time consuming to do so. It simply requires intentional forethought and dedicated action. 

It is the weekend, giving us a bit more opportunity to practice this kind of living. We might do so by adding consistent, simple, physical check-ins or we might get more fancy and add an embodied experience to our day. I’ll add some ideas below to help you get your creative juices flowing. As for me, I plan to embody my weekend fully and I hope the same for you. If you have creative ideas for doing so, please share them so we can all be inspired.

Speak to your senses. Eat food or drink something you have never eaten or drunk before. Ask others (or use a search engine if you must) for recommendations of restaurants from far away lands. Indian, African, Central/South American, Japanese, Chinese, Vegan, Raw, and more. Pay attention as you walk into the location. Smell the smells. Ask the server for suggestions and really listen. When the food arrives, take time to look at it and notice it. While eating feel the textures as well as tasting the tastes. If you are choosing the drinking route, tea is a fantastic embodied drink. Go to a tea house or good tea shop and look at the leaves/buds, smell them before and after brewing. Feel the steam. 

Create a mood. Tending to the sounds and sites within a space can profoundly change the feel of the room. Turn off overhead lights and place lamps at seated eye level. Sit on pillows and wrap up in blankets rather than sitting on the couch. Make a fire or light lots of candles. If you don’t have scented candles or an essential oil diffuser, place a small sauce pan on the stove with a bit of water and cinnamon, cloves, and even a slice or two of citrus and let it simmer or brew a pot of aromatic coffee or tea. If you love music, choose it with intention to create the feeling that matches the mood you are going for. Sit in the space and simply take it in. Notice how your body feels in a room you have tended to for comfort and peacefulness or alert wakefulness (whichever you were going for).

Make a fort. Be simple or elaborate in creating a small(ish) space to get cozy and away from the “real” world in. Toss a blanket over a table so that the edges of it reach down to the floor and add a few pillows, a lantern/flashlight/candle and you’re set. If you want to get more elaborate use chairs, blankets/sheets, and clamps from your garage. Leave all screens outside of the fort and, instead, bring paper books, journals, or a friend in and notice how it feels to be in a small/otherworldly space free of responsibilities and distractions.

Set a reminder. Set a reoccurring alarm on your device (or an actual alarm clock). When it sounds take a 3 minute breathing break. Stand up and feel the ground firmly under your feet. Rock back and forth and side to side gently, working to notice your center. From here take 10 deep breaths, inhaling through the nose (“smell the roses”) and exhaling through the mouth (“blow out the candles”). At the end of these breaths reach your arms up high above your head and stretch up lowering slowly down to a forward fold. Return to standing and thank your body for being present to you. Return to normal activities.

Take a (realistic, safe-enough) physical risk. This does not need to be a herculean task. You don’t need to summit a mountain. Instead, think of what is a growth inducing risk for you specifically. You might turn opera music up loudly and try to sing along from the depths of your diaphragm. Heading into a new and unknown restaurant, like suggested above, might be the risk for you. Spending time in a new geographic location in your town might suffice. Walking an extra half mile or running during part of your walk might be it. Taking a new class at the gym or pulling out your jump rope/hula hoop/free weights and giving them a whirl might fit. Hit balls at a batting range, go to your local trampoline spot, do karaoke, or more...just give your body the chance to have a new experience.

Get in some eye contact. Gazing at, and being gazed at, changes us. There is something about eye contact that profoundly affects us. When the gaze is loving and gracious it has the power to heal. When it is harsh and critical it hurts. Either find someone willing to play along and gaze into each other’s eyes for 3 to 5 minutes without talking or grab a mirror and do the same with your self. It sounds goofy but it has the power to refuel and heal. Work to look past the initial criticism or self conscious discomfort and settle into truly seeing into the eyes of a body that is human and worthy of love and respect.

If you are in need of touch, find a way to get some (in healthy, consensual ways). Most cities have massage therapists, manicurists/pedicurists, and even reflexology centers where touch is part of the offering. My personal favorite is reflexology which typically includes an hour of fully clothed, acupressure treatments, foot soaking, and full body asian style massage for a very affordable fee. Other options include partner acro yoga (google search acro yoga jam and the name of your city and you’ll likely find listings for meetings in the park…all levels welcome), contact improv dance, dance lessons at bars or studios, or facials. The need for touch, for those who are kinesthetically inclined, is real. Seek it out in ways that are healthy and satisfying!

a short treatise on self love (with a call to action)

it’s february 14th, valentine’s day, aka one of my favorite days of the year, and i am sitting alone in a candle lit home gazing at my light box sign. on it i’ve lettered, “love is an active noun.” this is a summation of a favorite quote of mine penned by my hero/mentor/spirit animal, mr. rogers. his longer, and more descriptive, quotation reads like this: 

“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”

whenever i read this, i have to look at it over and over. i want love to be a verb (and it is) but it is also an action noun (described as a noun denoting action), falling into the “idea” category of “person, place, thing, or idea.” i guess it could also be a thing. regardless, it’s important. actually, it’s crucial. not only for directing toward others, but also for directing toward self. i’m pretty sure that mr. rogers (or, as my friend a.j. calls him, Saint Fred) would be o.k. with me suggesting this interpretation of his words:

love isn’t a state of perfect caring. it’s an active noun like struggle. to love one’s self is to strive to accept one’s self exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.

if we ever hope to receive love from, or return love to, others we must first learn to love our selves. i am not speaking, here, about a self-agrandizing, narcissistic, overly inflated feeling of self importance. i’m not talking about “treating yo’self” to indulgences or to fostering a sense of denial about our weaknesses or flaws. what i am referring to is an honest relationship with our very sense of self. an eyes-wide-open acknowledgement of our strengths and weaknesses. an understanding of our personal agency. a gentleness regarding the injuries we have faced and a right-sized pride in our accomplishments, even if/especially when they are meaningful only to the self.

this kind of self love enables us to handle rejection and pain. it enables us to tolerate boredom and to creatively meet our needs. it affords us the ability to both stimulate and soothe the self. it seeks out spaces that allow for the flourishing of who we truly are rather than limiting us to contexts that box us in, shrink us, or cause us to squeeze into identities we were never created to be. to be honest, i believe that it is this kind of self love that enables us to experience genuine love from God and from others.

sometimes christians, in particular, question me about this. “it is not the relationship of self to self that is foundational,” they exclaim. “it is the relationship of self to God.” while i understand this, i have amassed a lifetime of being intimately connected to people that informs my belief that, unless one has an authentic and loving relationship with them self, their relationships with others (including Diety) are limited in health and driven by projection and self fulfilling prophecy. if we are relating to others, including God, out of who we are and who we are finds ourself either over- or under- worthy, over- or under- lovable, over- or under- deserving, we will find ourselves responding to the other from the position of narcissist or worm. neither is healthy and both create a kind of glasses through which we see the world and those we share it with. if we are worms, unworthy and unlovable, we see others as either idealized and unattainable or devalued and undesirable, falling prey to objectification due to our own feelings of unworthiness. if we are narcissists, we look only for how others can function on our behalf or for our benefit, tossing them aside when they don’t submit to our wishes. both of these end up creating self centered and self harming paths.

if we lack self love, we are insecure and need others to validate us (as opposed to wanting to be connected to who they as individuals actually are) and, regarding narcissism, i have previously written:

Psychologically, narcissism is born out of insecurity and emptiness. From a core that feels unlovable, unacceptable, or less-than the individual who functions from a narcissistic perspective looks outside of them self to find affirmation, confirmation, and security. The narcissistic self needs others to praise it. It needs intensity of response to it. The narcissistic self needs us to respond largely to it. Positivity or negativity is irrelevant…intensity is all. Where a more grounded self might say “I hope that my presence adds positivity” the narcissistic one might say “I hope my presence makes an impact.”

today, on this day of love, what might it look like to put away narcissistic attention seeking or worm-like assuredness that we are unlovable? how might we be gentler with our flaws while also being honest about them? how might our relationships flourish if we were able to communicate clearly what we need and want in places we discern to be safe and available? how might our vision of the world, others, and even God change if we were able to gaze deeply into our own eyes, past the flaws or inflated sense of beauty that we see, to engage the most authentic parts of ourselves? to take responsibility for our wishes, to work to discern healthy paths toward realizing them, and to ask others to join in with volition (as opposed to guilty driven, unconscious expectation or grasping assuredness that there is no one to rely upon)? to be willing to handle the consequences of taking small risks toward being an authentic self because we know we can soothe and care for our selves if we falter. to struggle not to become perfect or praised or promoted but to struggle simply to be, and, in that being, to accept, and eventually to love, who we are?

rather than waiting to feel loved externally or bemoaning the commercialized nature of this day, how about taking a turn in loving your self? where ever you are, grab a piece of paper. seriously, grab one. this will only take five minutes and will move you one step closer to the struggle of self love. it can be scrap paper or newspaper or the most lovely card stock you have on hand. fold it in half and tear or cut a half heart shape and open the fold. set a timer for 5 minutes. sit and ponder (sometimes lighting a candle and looking at the flame or gazing at a fire in the fireplace can help to focus the mind) a few things you appreciate about yourself and a few things that you wish were different. write the things you appreciate on one side and the things you know are true about you but that are less than what you’d like on the other. with gentleness and lovingkindness look at the things you wish were different. see them and try to love and be gentle with yourself anyway. accept that you are a work in process and that even in acknowledging these things you might move closer to changing them or accepting them if they are un-changable. turn the valentine over now and look at the traits you appreciate about yourself. again, with gentle lovingkindness express gratitude for these things and let them balance out the experience of acknowledging the difficult parts of your self. end by expressing love for your self and finding at least one small way of expressing that love. nothing fancy needed. a long drink of cold, clear water. an application of a fragrant lotion. a small taste of a food in your fridge. wrapping yourself in a blanket and pulling it tight like a hug might work. as might stretching or singing or listening to a beautiful piece of music or watching the steam rise from your diffuser. notice how it feels to struggle to know, accept, and love your actual self.

before we can love others deeply and well, unconditionally and without strings, we must learn to know our selves, to accept our selves, and to find ways of loving and living with her/him who is us. may you struggle often and well…

the personal cost of living on high alert: wringing out the sponge that is my self

I have a million things to do. Writing deadlines, research to review, thank you cards to write, parties to plan, news to catch up on, causes to research, and, and, and. It’s all a lot and it’s all things I’ve promised myself I’ll do or things I’ve promised others I’ll do or things I feel as though the-world-and-everyone-in-it NEED me to do. Seriously, there are so many needs right now. Needs that pull at my mind and my heart. Needs to feel and to process and to know and to act. So, a bit ago, I closed my laptop, went into my kitchen and roasted a squash. I went in to get a glass of water but the squash was right there and slicing it brought me close to the earth. While it was cooking I lit my favorite candles and got out old calendars to cut and fashion into valentines. I tossed some nuts and spices and quinoa in with the soft flesh of the roasted gourd and taped and glue sticked and sharpied the most rag-tag valentines ever made. I feel a lot better now.

More than any other time that I can personally remember, we are all on high alert. With the world feeling topsy turvy and fear, anger, and grief all around and within us, we stoke the fire of our overwhelm by trying to make sure that we are informed and active. We put ourselves to sleep with the news and wake up with it. We scroll through endless Facebook posts, finding ourselves falling down rabbit holes of discontent and disagreement, even though we’ve promised ourselves we’ll stop. Out of a sense of powerlessness and insecurity we buttress our weary selves by clinging to the few things we feel that we can control or we become hyper vigilant, being sure that our call is to attend to whatever need we see.

Let me remind us: The need is not the call. The call is the call.

What I mean by this is that every one of us has a unique part we are made to play in this world. We are who we are by intention. I choose to believe that came to be by a Creator in whose image ALL OF US are made. Even with radically different how-we-came-to-be stories, however, I believe that we can universally hold to the idea that each of us has specific and special resources that we are to invest in this crazy thing called life where ever we happen to live it. The trouble is, when we are tired, scared, overwhelmed, under-informed, in denial, or rushingrushingrushing from one thing to the next, we have no way of being with our selves intimately enough to hear what our unique call is. We know what we wish we were good or skilled at. We know what seems most important based upon that which is in front of us (or that which we put in front of ourselves). We attend to our surroundings and the news and our friends/family/neighbors in hyper vigilant ways, trying to ascertain what we should be doing or thinking or feeling in order to make change in the world/be liked/get by. So we keep researching, doing, acting but we never really feel we’ve arrived on a meaningful or sustainable path.

When we feel like this, and there is no break on the foreseeable horizon, it is likely time to step away from the information, the constant updates, the pull of everyone else’s voices, the gas lighting and fear mongering, and even the enticing call of numbness provided by our engagement with addictions of all kinds (to things, to money, to power, to chemicals, to attachmentless sex, to Facebook, to video games, to….). 

It is time to step away. For just a moment or two. The fear of the quiet and stillness is understandable. It is also manageable. It is time to step away.

I know how loud the world is right now. I understand the pull for your attention, the competition for your focus. Facebook and Youtube work diligently to keep you in their spaces (trust me, this is real). Algorithms created by every click you’ve ever made, combined with credit card purchases and gps location trails, lure you in with moremoremore of what you already can’t resist. Things are changing rapidly and values central to your core are being challenged or, perhaps, advanced, and you feel a need to be up to date. To be current. To not be surprised. Your mind keeps reminding you that this is happening there and the other thing is happening then there’s that article and that blog and that meeting and that action and and and…

I often think of a sponge when I think about living in this kind of climate. To be effective, a sponge needs to be damp, then wrung out, before going to work. After cleaning up a spill or two its saturation point is reached and trying to clean the third and fourth mess results in a much bigger puddle. When wrung out, however, after the second clean up, it’s ready for spills three, four, and five. The important part of the sponge’s effectiveness is in the wringing out.

We are all a bit like sponges.

The world (of information, needs, people, thoughts, feelings, actions, etc, etc, etc) today (and every day) will saturate us in mere moments.

It is time to wring our selves out. Time to step away. Time to roast a squash, light some candles, and cut some paper. Time to leave our phones in the car when we’re at home and at home when we’re in the car every once in a while. Time to take an hour (or two or twelve) away from media. Time to breathe fresh air and look people in the eye and find some quiet. Time to eat food and taste it, to look at art/beauty and see it. Time to take a nap or stare into space or sew or build something or write a poem or sing a song. Time to do anything but chase the needs. They will wait.

In times like these, where tensions and emotions are high, news shocking and plentiful, and communities split along highly conflicted lines, we need times of respite in order to discern our call from the more than plentiful needs. These times will not present themselves on their own. They must be made and, sometimes, fought for. They must be planned for and protected. Further, they require us to soothe ourselves as we step away. To remind ourselves that the news and information and need will still exist when we return but that if we don’t wring out, we’ll make a bigger mess when we act.

So, today, right now, how can you create and protect a time for wringing? Don’t believe the lie that it is impossible. In order for you to accomplish all you want/need to accomplish you must make space in the sponge. If this analogy isn’t working for you, in order to give withdrawals to the world, you must refill and reinvest in your self.

Find five minutes then commit to making it ten. Better yet, find an hour. Best of all, create an entirely new rhythm where you change a daily pattern that keeps you so saturated that you are a mess waiting to happen (not having your phone with you in bed might be the best new pattern ever). 

Start where you are with what you have. You don’t need anything especially pampering or distracting or new. In fact I’ll load you up with ideas below. For now, create the space. Make in happen within this day, better yet, within the next few hours. Turn off your notifications or power off your devices altogether. Use the ideas below or come up with something all yours but wring out the sponge. Tune in to the call*.

Some ideas for wringing out the sponge that is you:

Go for a walk or a run or a bike ride. Don’t worry about getting to the perfect place to explore just go for the outing.

Breathe deeply, inhaling through the nose (smell the roses) and exhaling through the mouth (blow out the candles). Lie on the floor and pretend that there is a penny on your belly. When you inhale the penny should rise, when you exhale the penny should drop down.

Color, draw, sketch, do a sudoku, or work on a puzzle. Make a collage by tearing pictures out of the catalogues or magazines in your recycle bin and tape. Don’t worry about the outcome. The goal is to let your mind rest and wander.

Use your coffee grounds from your morning pot of coffee to make dough and play with it for a while. Click here for the recipe.

Make a paper airplane and fly it. Make several and notice what works and doesn’t. 

Learn to fold an origami crane by clicking here.

Find a traditional foot reflexology place and try it out. Most of these offer full body, fully clothed acupressure/massage with special emphasis on the feet and very affordable prices.

Practice a mindfulness meditation or contemplative prayer. Click here and here and here for some good resources.

Prepare or purchase a food or drink item that is filled with smell and texture and color. Eat it slowly and mindfully, paying attention to the sites, smells, tastes, and feels of it. Indian food is my personal favorite for this kind of experience.

Find a paper book that has been pleasurable, comforting, or “escapist” for you. Read it. If you can, read for as long as you possibly can without tending to any devices.

Go to a library or bookstore and linger. At some point, make your way to the children’s section and look at a picture book or two.

Soak your feet in a tub of hot hot water or take a bath or shower that is longer than normal.

Put on a favorite piece of calming music. Position yourself between your speakers. Do nothing but listen. Lie on the floor and feel the vibration if you can or want to. 

Print a finger labyrinth here. Sit and trace your finger along the path, letting your mind release thoughts while you move toward center. When you arrive at center take several deep breaths and try to embody peace. Try to “take” the peacefulness out from the center with you.

*  The things that you are “called” to in life are things that you are meant to do. They are things that, while difficult or costly at times, give you life when you do them. They are things that make you feel as though you are “in the groove” or “in the flow.” Things in keeping with your call are things that fire you up, that interest you, and that pull your imagination and energy toward them. Some people find the phrase “Only do what only you can do” to be helpful in discerning a call. For instance, I often tell people that I’m happy to clean toilets, decorate, or emcee at their events…whatever they need. In reality, lots of people might like behind the scenes work or would be much better decorators from me but few folks are comfortable talking in front of a group.

giving embodied holiday gifts & experiences (because virtual reality is about to rock our world)

For months I have wanted to write a long and detailed piece on virtual reality (VR) in advance of the holidays. For the first time ever, VR headsets are available at nearly every price point and VR gaming systems, while expensive, are projected to be given as Christmas and Hanukah gifts in massive numbers. 

This is not that piece. It will come, in time, because I feel certain that the habits we fall into around VR use, just as with all tech engagement, will shape us profoundly. The more access we have to highly stylized, provocative, neuromarketing and neurodevelopment influenced, immersive VR worlds, the more likely we are to find the actual embodied spaces wherein we live to be found wanting. VR holds immense potential for greatness and personal/societal benefit as well as for dissatisfaction with our own bodies and limited physical environments.  For this reason, I hope that everyone who gives or receives tech gifts in general, and VR gifts specifically, will be mindful of the norms that they set BEFORE habits start forming. As any of you who have ever been with me when I’ve opened my mouth has likely heard, IT IS EASIER TO ESTABLISH HEALTHY NORMS THAN TO BREAK BAD HABITS. This means that healthy norms can make our tech use more fun and and less likely to cause harm if we create norms and set boundaries that keep our use at moderate levels with certain, less potentially harmful, platforms and content.

Most of us do not do this. We find a new tool, stumble upon a new game, or surf a new set of sites until we realize the ten minutes we intended to spend there has turned into an hour or more. We intend to spend less time staring at our screens yet find ourselves almost magnetically pulled to them to send that one last text, look up a recipe, entertain us while in line (or at the red light), “calm” us in bed when we can’t sleep, help us study for finals and more. 

All of this is leading us to be increasingly divorced from our bodies and our embodied environments. Simply because we can do so many things in digital spaces, we do do them there and I believe, and research is showing, that this has an impact. 

Holidays and the traditions that they bring with them can provide opportunities to encourage embodiment in the gifts we give and the spaces we offer that challenge or balance these tendencies. So, while this is far from the research based piece I had hoped to write, providing information about which platforms are best and safest and how to establish healthy use norms, it is a rallying cry for adding a few simple, inexpensive objects and/or experiences to your holiday weeks ahead. It is intended to encourage thoughtfulness about including our “embodiedness” in a month where we may be the recipient or giver of lots of tech. 

Since time is of the essence I’m simply going to bullet point some ideas. My hope is that you’ll add your voice to the mix on Facebook or Instagram, suggesting experiences or objects that you are offering to help people sink more deeply into their bodies (and them selves) and connect more meaningfully with their embodied spaces and the others they find there.

Around the table:

Pay attention to atmosphere and create a space that people want to linger in. Turn the lights down, light candles, warm the room up, play music that is quietly appealing. Change things up and put a card table or two near the fire to eat there or put pillows on the floor and eat from traysor coffee tables or make a low table creatively. If the space is chilly, have a basket of blankets that people can wrap up in before sitting down. Make the gathering more about the people who are assembled than about any kind of food or decor perfection.

Borrow my friend Judi’s wildly successful interaction encourager by scouring through your junk drawers or garage work bench to find objects that are obscure and unknown to those you have gathered. When there is a lull in the conversation, take one out, instructing everyone to come up with a description for what it is and how it is used. Pass each object with each person at the table offering an idea of it’s origins, identity, and use. You can either then vote for the favorite descripton, describe what the item actually is, or simply use the activity as a source of connection.

Place a lump of home made play dough at each person’s place and have simple cookie cutters, knives, and “rolling pins” (small pieces of pvc tubing work well) ready to put on the table. As people finish eating, clear the plates and encourage people to sit and create together. The same could be done by putting a big bowl of legos in the center of the table.

Make simple (SIMPLE) place cards by folding construction paper or using large note cards. Place a cup with markers in the middle of the table. At the beginning of the meal tell people that part of dessert will be affirming each other (giving sweetness). As you clear the plates encourage everyone to grab a marker and begin passing the placards to the right with each person adding affirmations, blessings, valued character traits about the person whose name card they have. Pass until everyone has a full name card. 

Do a simple examen. After (or even during) the meal, light a candle to demarcate some sacred space. Offer the opportunity for each person at the table to recount something that gave them life/energy/contentment this past year, something that took life/energy/contentment away in the past year. If you'd like add something that they look forward to in the coming year. Encourage people to be authentic, to not feel a need to be articulate, and to go with what comes quickly to mind. A simple way of remembering this practice is by recalling a "rose" (the thing that gave life), a "thorn" (the thing that took life), and a "bud" (the thing that is anticipated). If you feel like being really fancy, have everyone write themselves a short note about what they hope for the coming year. Pack these up with the holiday decorations and mail them to each person when you unpack the decorations next year.

Gifts:

Give small handheld, manipulative games or creative tools. Many of these are available at mass retailers or specialty toy stores. Give these to adults and children alike! Some of my favorites are Rush Hour, Cool Moves, Etch a Sketch, Magna-doodles, Rubics Cubes, number tile puzzles, pattern/shape blocks. Puzzle and word game books are also fantastic gifts as well as potent brain and body builders.

Similarly, creative supplies are a fantastic gift for all ages. Homemade play dough, pipe cleaners (now called chenille stems in case you want to order them), embroidery floss and simple friendship bracelet instructions, wood burning kits, water color pencils and a water filled brush, crocheting or knitting supplies are all fantastic gifts that are easy to get at any craft store.

Skill building, body reliant offerings are more important than ever. Luna Stix, Perplexes Balls, Yo-Yos, Diabolos, jump ropes, hula hoops, jacks, marbles, and simple foam balls which can be played with freely inside the house are wonderful. Drum practice pads and sticks plus a short instructional video can also be great for the person who needs opportunities to be active. My current favorite embodied item is a small piece of wooden board on top of a pvc tube to make a balance board. These are fun for all ages.

Give the gift of experiences. Consider an activity or event that you might gift a person with. Think creatively and boldly and specifically about the individual you are giving this to. This does not need to be an expensive (time or money) offering. It might be for a winter walk with hot cider or star gazing and hot chocolate. It might be an evening of listening to their favorite pod cast and you bring the dinner. You might offer a picnic in the summer at a free outdoor concert. Perhaps you give a few nerf guns and a gift certificate for a whole house nerf war. If you know of something that a person has wanted to try and not felt “brave” enough to do so, offer to do it with them. Take a ballet, yoga, or art class, take a music lesson, donate blood or platelets together. The goal is to give the experience and make it such that the person you invite gets to simply show up. Make a gift certificate to give and get a date on the calendar right away. I had a friend once give me the gift of space. She had me put a date on the calendar and told me to dress comfortably. She picked me up and handed me a journal, pen, water bottle, and bag of snacks. She drove me to a labyrinth, an abbey, and a bookstore telling me to take all the time i wanted at each and to simply text her five minutes from when I wanted to be picked up. She did all the work and I got all the space.

At your holiday gathering:

Printer paper and scissors placed around the house with simple instructions for snowflake cutting is a hit! Add fishing line and tape so that people can hang them as they are made. As the gathering continues you’ll be creating a winter wonderland.

Include a craft area. Either have a pre-planned easy to accomplish craft, or simply supply a bunch of materials and let people go wild. This is one of the highlights (so I am told) of gatherings at my house. When people have something to do with their hands they don’t feel as uncomfortable sitting with new friends. Conversation flows more freely and silences don’t feel so noticeable. My favorite for a craft area like this is to cut out simple prayer flag shapes from cracker and cereal boxes. Add a stack of catalogues or magazines, glue sticks, a bunch of sharpies, and a hole punch and string and encourage people to make prayer flags/collages for themselves or others. Beads(they don’t need to be fancy…cheap ones are fine) and string or Fruit Loops and yarn are also popular choices.

Fill your coffee tables with items that encourage embodied interaction and play. Bins of legos can be left out and about, bowls of Kinetic Sand or tins of Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty, a checker board and checkers, an incomplete puzzle, origami paper, or coloring pages and colored pencils will all be played with…I promise. You may feel silly at first, leaving these things out for a party of adults but you will be amazed at how many people love playing with them!

Invite people to participate in unique ways then take your hands off the controls and let things happen in wild ways. Tell everyone you will be making a huge pot of rice or pasta and encourage them to bring whatever toppings they want. Do not manage what people are bringing and let it happen. Groups come together in creative ways when they are faced with a communal task. We have friends who have a baking party every year and offer their oven, mixer, and cookie sheets. All of us participants bring the ingredients we need to make a treat of some kind and the kitchen is filled to overflowing with people working to time things and share resources well. It’s a highlight.

If hosting at your home feels overwhelming, invite others to join you at a pizza parlor (every town has at least one old fashioned pizza parlor…hopefully with a fireplace) or bowling alley for a no host, all fun gathering. Add silliness to a get-together like this by offering up odd times or dress code ideas. Suggest a 9:00 p.m. decaf and slice of pie gathering in your pajamas at a local 24 hour diner or a 5:30 bowling happy hour where everyone comes in business casual.

charting a course for a calmer december (in 10 short minutes)

every once in a while i have an idea that works. for me at least. and sometimes for others. recently, i had one about how to order my december. i was preparing an informal talk for a group of women i meet with quarterly and wanted to create a way to think about moving through what is typically a stress and pressure filled month with greater intention and care. a vision came to me of the many pushes and pulls on all of us during this month of preparing, finishing up the year, celebrating, and everything else. i imagined a compass being pulled off true north by magnets stacked high atop each other. while our december true north might actually be simply spending quality time with people we love, cultural, internal, and external “magnets” stack near us and pull us off course. without even thinking about it, we trade the quality time with others (that we claim is most important) for frantic shopping, efforts at creative wrapping, and preparing fancy offerings for potlucks. we forego reading to the kids (or ourselves) in order to get to yet one more cookie exchange. we “have to” make the one old family recipe even though it’s now easily purchasable and no one likes it that much anyway. the cards “must” go out and the lights “need” to go up. 

my question is this: says who?

we are so easily swayed by what we “should” do, what we have done, and what we imagine others “need” us to do. for instance, culture tells me i should love to bake in december and that my home isn’t ready for holiday visitors until cookies and bars fill every container available. frankly, i’m not a sweets person and baking, regardless of the time of year, stresses me out. does this really mean i shouldn’t entertain for the next 3 weeks or, if i do, i should welcome my guests with treats that i resent having “had” to make?

and, so, i offer to you the way i found my true north for this december. it doesn’t take long and requires only paper, a pen, and a sticky note. i encourage you to try it out. there are three weeks of this lovely month left and by determining your true north you will have clarity about where to best spend your time and energy. perhaps you’ll even be able to let the things that don’t make the cut stay undone this year as an experiment in intentional sanity and peace making. for me, making sanity and peace is far more compelling than making cookies.

the exercise:

1 on the left side of the top of your paper write down all the things/happenings/items/events that made december a unique month as you were growing up. this should include positive things and negative things. good and bad. light and dark. think about things like: “my mom spending days in the kitchen and being in a terrible mood.” “us having to keep the house in order in case visitors stopped by.” “twinkly lights and candles.” “hot chocolate.” “christmas music.” “latkes/certain foods.” “feeling disappointed/lonely.” “giving gifts.” “being with family.” “playing in the snow.” “church/synagogue.” really let your mind go back and try to recall what contributed to december being a month unto itself.

2 now go back and write any and all emotions associated with each of these memories. consider feelings like joy, anticipation, sadness, stress, anxiety, pressure, belonging, fear, happiness, exhaustion, etc.

3 on the left side of the bottom of the page list the things/happenings/items/events that have made december what it is for the past several years. again...think broadly and widely. what makes this month what it is?

4 go back to this new list and write the feelings that correspond with each item.

5 look over the list, contemplating all the wonderful, difficult, unresolved, unconsciously driven things/happenings/items/events that make up december. begin considering which are the most important items on this full list. 

6 now begin to discern which five of these items you would keep if you were only able to keep five. ask yourself questions like, “is the feeling that corresponds with this action worth my keeping it?” “do i do this because of assumptions i make about others or about my past?” “is this really important to me or do i do it automatically without much investment or reward and then feel resentful/tired/frustrated after doing it?” cross off all but five of the items.

7 circle the remaining items with intention.

8 transfer the list of five onto the sitcky note and consider it your new compass. use this list to discern what is truly important for you in the coming days. weigh options against this list. carry it with you. leave it out. spill mulled wine on it and use it as a spatula rest. let it mark your book or stick it to your dashboard. let your choices (rather than internal or external random pressures) guide you.

9 ask those who you share time and space with to do the same and see where your compass’ align and differ. consider how you might be able to help others have the experiences they’d like without it pulling you too far off center and ask them for similar support and help.

a few final thoughts:  there are no “right” lists. there are only honest lists. when i did this experiment i found that, for me, giving gifts was a huge part of my excitement in this season. i found that i was willing to take some things that i had previously thought very important off my list in order to keep gift giving. many in the group i shared this experiment with sat in direct opposition to that, saying that gift giving was one of the first things they let go. one person found that she couldn't let "sending holiday cards" go and yet the only feelings associated with getting them in the mail were "overwhelm" and "complete stress." her mind was open to giving this up to make space for something associated with more positive feelings when she realized she could send cards to friends at less full times of the year. when my daughter did the experiment, wearing wool socks and sitting and reading our many children’s christmas books by the fire was on her list. she was surprised that the children's books were on my final list as well. we decided that this was much more important to us than having every decoration we own out and that we’d also be more relaxed about sitting and reading if we knew there was less to pack back away in january. so, for the first time ever, i pared way back in the number of christmas boxes i unpacked but every single kids christmas book we have is piled next to the fire place.

i encourage you to slow down. to breathe deeply. to remember there’s always next year (and 11 other months between now and then). that cards can be sent any time of year. that peanut butter and jelly is a fine contribution to a potluck. i encourage you to listen to your body/mind/heart and to move forth in what remains of this month with freedom and love and grace...heading to a true north that you choose rather than by one that chooses you.

reposted from: December 11, 2013